Bad blogger

I have become a bad blogger.
Not that i don’t have things to say…..but i dont have the energy to write them.

For the few of you who actually still read this, thank you for caring.
I will be up to my ass in alligators for the next while…and wont have much time to blog.

My partner of 18 years has finally got some answers after 5 years of seriously deteriorating health.
She is looking at a double transplant of both kidney and liver. We have just about finished a months worth of tests, about 75 hours worth of hospital visits, and after the last 2 tests, she will be listed on the transplant list. From that moment on we wait (which seems like all we have done for 5 years, but….)

Her health continues to deteriorate. She has had to give up her job, and will be applying for disability. I will cover her job until the major event is over, so she can maintain some health insurance. Currently medication bills are hundreds of dollars a month, plus co-pays for the many many doctor visits, and our finances are a mess. the fact that her mental capacities are being affected by the underlying illnesses, which makes life complex at best. I haven’t been able to secure employment for myself, but keep applying for jobs. I have to admit that currently being the medical advocate is more my full time job. Right now life is one step at a time, trying to keep spirits up and energies up. We will have to begin to scale things back soon…the bills are getting away from us.

Families are an interesting study at the moment….her mom has decided she is going to die, and blames everyone with a level of anger that is not appropriate. her father is being supportive for the most part, but is continuously trying to draw her into the souring relationship with her mother. her sister who has lived her own life away from all has gotten it into her head that she can find a donor (not even viable now with the double transplant). my mother, when she is rational, is very supportive. the children….have their own lives.

I should be more excited about the possibility of transplant, but right now its just another whole process where things can be screwed up, and then of course there are the after/side effects that they have to tell you about. Like $2-8k for drugs per month for life, 3x per week blood tests eventually weaning down to never less than once a month, the fact that all the anti-rejection drugs have wicked side effects, including destruction of the new kidney…which means that dialysis will be a part of the future. All of this, plus the bottom line is there are no guarantees. Well of course not, there are NO GUARANTEES in life itself, but it sure would be nice to have something after all that hassle.

Right now i vacillate between being overwhelmed, feeling really bad for her, feeling really bad for myself, or being in caretaker/advocate mode. The safest place to explore my feelings is in writing, but the last thing i want is for my blog to become someplace where i have my pity parties, and honestly right now that is all i can feel, along with the fear.

So until i can be a better blogger, i will go silent here for a while.

Hopefully I can come back and actually contribute something.

 

Oh Too Splendid

Now, for something completely different…My friend Anonymum, from the land down under, begun a sequel to last year’s raging hit Splendid. There were many voices clamoring for more, and finally Mo decided to start the ball rolling once again . The challenge is that each contributing writer adds 6 lines to ongoing story that she has started.
Here is the story so far with A-mum beginning, and a paragraph each by Lightening, Javaqueen, Evyl, Anja, Jayne, Bettina, Hilary , Sarah and my addition to this ongoing saga is the last paragraph shown in italics.
~
The sun was orange as it set against the ocean.
As Natalie walked along the beach, she felt the sting of tears as they sprung to her eyes. How could he do this to her? What would she do now?
She had invested 12 years of her life into their marriage, thinking they were happy, only to have him say he was leaving. Her question of why had been left unanswered. There was no explanation or reasons. He had merely looked at her sadly and walked out the door without so much as a backward glance…
The sand felt cool against her hot face as her legs buckled and she surrendered her weary body to the comfort of the course sand. She curled up into a foetal position, her mind willing her body to simply evaporate. The darkness enveloping her was barely recognisable against the darkness that enveloped her heart. A darkness that had been slowly creeping in over the past decade. Somewhere in the distance, a baby cried…. a cry that tortured her heart with memories of a dim and distant past……
Alone in the sand Natalie couldn’t stop thinking what if. What if she had been able to have a child? If she could have given him that, would she be in this situation now? At one time they had been so happy. She had foolishly thought that they could make it work by just loving each other. Natalie had told him from the start that she might not be able to have children. Back then he just looked in her eyes and said the only thing that mattered is that they had each other. Why had she believed him? Now, after twelve years of marriage she was all alone. They had tried for so many years to have a baby, but they never could. She had been through seven miscarriages and had given up hope. Now her husband had left her. She felt empty inside. If only he had known . . .
It was all a lie. No that wasn’t quite right. There was nothing false about the love at least not for Natalie. Yet the long nights lieing against Brad after the loving exchange of heated passion, whispering softly of the hopes and dreams of the sweet pitter-patter of small feet treading through the carpeted halls of a loving home. The faked miscarriages were not something that Natalie was proud of but it had been her last resort at maintaining a thin veneer over the stained lies that haunted their relationship. For though in her heart, soul, and mind, Natalie was one hundred percent woman, Natalie was born Ned. Yet, how could she have told Brad the truth. For Ned and Brad had been best friends in grade school. Playing catch at the ball park, racing bicycles down the quiet suburban streets, camping in the backyard until that fateful day, when everything changed….
Natalie stared at her perfect breasts in the mirror. That surgeon was worth his weight in gold. She was every man’s dream - beautiful, successful, able to strip an engine faster than any man, but she was missing that one thing - a uterus. Natalie thought she had given Brad everything he wanted. She knew what men wanted in bed; she knew that men liked hot sex, cold beer and sport on the tube. Who was better to know what a man wanted than someone who had spent half of their life as a man, and her husband’s best friend. Life was wonderful until that barbecue with the new neighbours. Curse that little baby with her gummy grin and corn flower blue eyes. Natalie knew their lives would hit a road block when Brad said “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had one of our own?” Natalie could do everything for a man, be everything for a man, apart from one thing… a mother….
Natalie knew there was one last trump card to play, although it was going to be a doozy -she would go back to her surgeon and discuss Changing Wombs. She decided that, after all these years trying to be the perfect woman for Brad, she’d like to experience that female condition with the roller coaster hormones, strange food cravings, sleep deprivation, painful boobs, constant toilet stops and be able to scare the bejebus out of other mums at Playgroup with her own horror birth story. Her surgeon had offered the optional plumbing in his original surgical assessment but Natalie had dismissed it, not considering for a minute that the sport-lovin’ Brad she had her eyes on would succumb to natures tug on his goolies. Having kept several bucket loads of Brad’s love juice on ice at a private storage facility proved the post-op turkey basting would not be a problem and could be a great surprise with which to win Brad back to her side. Natalie made her appointment, booked her ticket and was soon winging her way to motherhood.
Natalie slept for all of that long plane trip, exhausted from the emotions that had ravaged her mind, body and soul. She dreamed of what was to come, the look of surprise on Brad’s face when he saw her swollen with his child, of her triumphant return to his heart and his bed. During the taxi ride from the airport she let her mind wander to their future, longing for the look of wonder and awe as Brad looked upon her with their newborn child for the first time an event that would link them for eternity. She could never had prepared herself though for what was to happen as she entered her surgeon’s office. The sight of Brad sitting in the waiting room looking so pitifully embarrassed to be there, hunched over in his chair holding a magazine high in front of his face set her emotions whirling. His clumsy attempts to disguise himself with that stupid floppy hat and large dark sunglasses, may have fooled some, but not her, not when she had known and loved every contour of his face and tall muscular frame so well for so long. Natalie’s heart lurched as she quickly darted back into the foyer a million questions racing through her mind - What on earth was he doing sitting in the waiting room of the most highly respected transgender specialist in the country and how could she find out without him knowing that she had seen him there?
She was hovering in the foyer in a lather of indecision when the receptionist’s voice broke into her ruminations, ‘Mr Fothergill, the doctor will see you now.’ Before she knew what she was doing, in three strides and a dive she had caught Brad by the ankles as he approached the consulting room door and brought him down in a tackle that would have brought a smile to the face of their Under 10s rugby coach.
‘Brad! NO!’ she cried, desperate tears spilling onto her cheeks, ‘We’re running out of penises!’
‘ . . . eenises . . . eenises . . .’ echoed the enthralled silence in the room. She surveyed her slack-jawed waiting-room audience, surreptitiously adjusting her skirt with her free hand.
‘What?’ she blustered in confusion. ‘What would you do if your husband’s balls were at stake?’ But a fidgetting in the stalls suggested she was already losing them. A magazine page shuffled. At the reception desk a computer mouse clicked.
‘Balls at stake? Meh,’ seemed to be the view in the waiting room of the most highly respected transgender specialist in the country…
A small girl, dressed in a pink pinafore stepped forward,- a naughty smile tugging at the sides of her mouth. “Tick-tock, you lost your cock, but all’s not lost, cuz I’ve been tossed, from the sperm of Brad, so don’t be sad.” She smiled broadly and did a little curtsey. “Hello Mummy and Daddy. It’s me, your long-lost, Maddie.” Before Brad or Natalie could utter a word, the Doctor stepped from his office and said, “So, how do you like her, I’d say she’s the spitting…
“….image of…..”, the Doctor stopped in his tracks in shock.
“B-B-Brad, Natalie, please step into my office, now.” stuttered the Doctor, “Nurse, please take Maddie into the examination room at the back and give her some paper and crayons, and please stay with her in that room until I come and get you.”
With that, the couple moved silently into the office behind the Doctor and sat down in stunned silence. Natalie regained her composure first, but her mind raced with questions. If this was Brad’s child, who was her mother? Why wait until now to reveal her to him? And if this was Brad’s child…..what did that mean for the future, their future?
-
and I will lob it high in the air to Annie on that note!

 

Meme’s again

• The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is?
        i rarely answer the phone these days unless i think it might be a prospective employer, or a medical confirmation
• 
2) When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
         most of the time
• 

3) In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
        depends on the setting. more often an observer, but in close groups i will get involved in conversation
• 
4) If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
        once upon a time, i would have had no problem. these days, i hope that is not tested 


• 5) Do you like to ride horses?
        NO! they bounce me too much and i do not need bruises on knees and black eyes. (think about it)
• 
6) Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
        Yes, loved ever moment of Girl Scout Camp!


• 7) What was your favorite board game as a kid?
        any and all word games
• 

 If a sexy person was pursuing you but you knew he/she was taken, what would you do?
        I tend to be unaware of others interests in me
• 
10) (Where the fuck is nine? I hate it when these meme numbers get lazy on me and just have better things to do than show up) Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?
        Yes. I do not feel like people must be carbon copies of each other to make it work
• 
11) Are you continuing your education?
        Informally, always. Formally, I have not the funds to do that.
• 
12) Do you know how to shoot a gun?
        Yes. But I will not ever own one.
• 

13) If the house was on fire, what’s the first thing you’d grab?
        Once all the “family” was safe, I would go for photos and computers.
• 
14) How often do you read books?
        when ever I have a spare quiet moment. Some times junk, sometimes real, much of the time on the computer, but constantly reading.


• 15) Do you think more about the past, present or future?
        I try not to think about the past or the future….they are either done or yet to be. I need to stay focused on the present

• 16) What is your favorite children’s book?       The Velveteen Rabbit is the one I love(d) best to read to the kids/grands. For myself, anything by Beverly Cleary, The Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, Louisa May Alcott books.
• 

17) How tall are you?
        5’9.75”


• 1 Where is your ideal house located?
        I have many dream homes in my imagination. The city loft, the country cabin, the old victorian manse….but they will remain in my imagination. reality sux
• 
19) Last person you talked to outside of the household?
        Donna


• 20) When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
        Years ago….for lunch. I was disappointed. 

21) What are the keys on your key chain for?
        Right now, only the car and the house. I have added a new key chain so I can enter the office where I will work LTE.
• 

22) What did you do last night?
        Went out for a fabulous dinner, treated by a friend. Ate way too much.


• 23) Where is your current pain at the moment?
        Allergies have made me sound awful…sneezing, coughing and stuffy.
• 

24) Do you like mustard?
        No, except in cooking


• 25) Do you like your Mom or Dad?
        My mom and I have settled into an uneasy alliance. There is much love, but lots of drama. My father…is dead, and better left there.
• 
26) How long does it take you in the shower?
         If I have time I can run the hot water out, but for necessity, its seldom more than 15 minutes from dry to dry.


• 27) What movie do you want to see right now?
        ummmmm a friend gave us Underdog…thats on the agenda tonight. To be watched with said friend and the little dog that calls him Uncle!       
•  

2 Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
        Vaseline works wonders on snow roughened paw pads, but never lotion.
• 
29) What did you do for New Years?       Dinner with friends (one who turned out to be back stabber), and then asleep b4 midnight, sick in my chair with a bug that lasted 6 weeks.
• 
30) Do you think The Grudge was scary?
        Didn’t see it, and had no desire to do so. 

31) Do you own a camera phone?
Yes, but I don’t use it often.

32) What is the last letter of your middle name?
        M

33) Who did you vote for on American Idol?
        I rarely watch that….and never vote!

 

another meme!

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, as what or whom would you go?
           I hate costume parties….i don’t do dressup anymore!

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger?

Cheese onions, catsup and a buttered roll. Lettuce, Tomato, onion and mayo if out (sans catsup and butter) at home, bread and butter pickles, out none because they always use dill.         

And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
            Wood fire is my fave, but anything works

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
            “Mr. President…is this country better than it was before you took office?”

4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

Vacation….depends on where. The first day is getting organized, catch up on sleep and some basic relaxation.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
            Popcorn and chocolate covered raisins

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
            pop-ups

7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?
            Captain Hook…it’s a fairy tale, he always had the hook.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
              scissors

9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?
              Which one?

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
              Too loud…oh crap that makes me sound old, but I am

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
              Thinking outside of themselves

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
            Many different flavors of drops, licorice, rootbeer, cherry, butterscotch.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
        The Capitol building

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

Sports details. About the players and interactions, I can deal, but stats, plays etc. SNORE!

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
          3- I had never driven the car the first time, and the idle was set way too high.   Second time I was                  too cautious, Third time was the charm. (I was 22 and never had drivers education)

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
           Dark hot fudge.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
          Dairy! I was raised in the Dairy State….

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I take my chances…what do I have to loose. the first $50 was never mine to begin with.

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
          TV by a long shot…I could care less if I have TV.

20. What is your highest level of education?

Completed High School…then wasted my parents money at small local college, but didn’t get a degree in anything. Took courses after that at the local Tech school

21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it’s been?
           Right now its almost $4.00, this is the highest ever.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

I was not allowed to eat box lunches. Too much bread and fat kids should not have too much bread

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?

A housekeeper. I don’t have kids at home to need a nanny, and if the place is clean then I don’t mind cooking, and I love to drive

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
              If I am alone, the elevator would be fine…traffic is annoying

25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid/grand is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?
              Son of a biscuit. Son of a Siberian biscuit eater. Frogs. Shnikes.

 

Lesbian-Person of Lesbos or H O M O S E X U A L woman??

Many of us read the news bit the other day about a law suit from Greece over the naming thing….

Here is a cute followup:

For those of you concerned last week about the lawsuit by Greek Lesbosians over who has the right to use the title, Lesbian:

LESBIANS TO ESTABLISH REPUBLIC OF LESBIA

The world’s 800 million lesbians are to club together and set up their own country.

They are currently scouting locations in Europe and South America where they hope to establish the People’s Republic of Lesbia.

The move follows legal action by the Greek island of Lesbos who claim only their lesbians should be allowed to call themselves Lesbians, and not because they are lesbians, but because they are Lesbians.

A spokesman for Martina Navratilova, the reigning Grand High Lesbian, said: “Lesbia is going to be a really lovely place. 

”There will be no need for clothes, and if two girls want to get into a big bath of custard in the middle of the town square and have a bit of tumble then that’s cool.

Dimitri Kiriakos, the governor of Lesbos, said: “How can they be Lesbian? I Lesbian, my wife Lesbian, both my sons Lesbian and my cat Lesbian. Even Vince, the local lesbian, is Lesbian.”

The International Council of Lesbians decided not to fight the latest legal challenge after their expensive and unsuccessful battle with Mary Poppins star Dick Van Dyke.

 

pride and pain

today we announced publicly that our pride organization has been devastated by the financial misdealings of its treasurer.

we have been struggling with the realities of this since early march, and were finally in the position of making it public.

for legal reasons we can not place blame, nor can we give details. we also live with the reality that what was all of our finances does not amount to a hill of beans to the justice system. We have been advised that this will not be addressed by either the police or the district attorneys because its just too small an amount.

lesson to learn for all of us: do not “trust friends” when it comes to organizational bookkeeping. make sure all of your financial safeguards are tight, and that you adhere to them, even when its a friend having a busy time. demand accountability.

the worst thing of all, is that the first response I have read from my loving and concerned community, was to tell us how disappointed they were and how embarrassed they were. This from someone who never offered help, never got involved.
this is the risk of putting yourself out there….of getting involved. And most of those people who will complain, attack, belittle and harass us, are the people who would never lift a hand to do the work, but love to enjoy the benefits. There are less than ten of us who for the last three years working all year long have put on an event that covered a weekend and was phenomenally successful and growing. Now we have a mess to clean up, a year that wont have much to celebrate, and working towards building something over again.

im feeling a bit sorry for myself right now…and have to thicken up my skin…..we will get flack. we opted to be open and honest about something that devastated us from the inside, and now the same situation will do so from the outside.

 

Hmmmm

I haven’t written a post in almost two weeks….

nothing much has been happening thats different.
A few cage rattling sessions with the medical profession to get them off their dead asses, and shake them out of their self-imposed revery. Not that it has gotten us any positive answers to anything, but at least they have gotten the concept that complacent is not in my vocabulary.
a few job applications that will go no where fast, and even an employment test that tells me I am not qualified to do low-end work!

a most interesting thing has happened tho. I have gotten more comments in the last week than I have in the last few months.
of course they were all spam comments, so……

spam comments are a unique thing. there is no rhyme nor reason that i can see to which posts the spammers have targeted, but it is clear that they are from the same spammer.
I could never understand comment spam….what purpose does it serve?

well, thats about all thats in my mind that is fit to print.
im headed back to play my new favorite game (its a wonderful mind emptier) Second Life!

 

Wynter

 

catching up

its been a wild ride the last few weeks.

as always some good stuff some bad stuff. i don’t have the stomach to put the bad stuff into words….too much unknown and too many issues to process with it.

right now, im fighting with what may well be a dry socket that needs to get checked out on Monday. The pain is not so much fun.

yesterday I met the new babe, and she is gorgeous. but then I am biased.

life just keeps moving on. the good, the bad and the ugly.

and it is snowing again.

i will leave you with a pic of the newest addition to my heart.

 

 

What a way to wake up! - Its a Girl!

At 6:04 this morning, my cellphone woke me.

SIL on the phone, we are having a baby, could I come watch the girls. OMG, I hear her in labor in the background. I have to wake up.
Today FIL is to have surgery to reconnect an ostomy, and the plan was to spend the day there. Now to rearrange schedules.

Clear the painful fuzz away from my brain and eyes, call SIL back to find out details. Hmmm No answer. Well he is busy. 3 minutes later, the phone rings, and “We have a baby!”

Once again, my child has given birth in record time. She woke at 5:45, gave birth 20 minutes later. I have no sizes, no info other than that its a girl (which we knew). Her name is Wynter. Dad said Wynter Rain, but I thought it was to be Wynter Alexandra, I suppose there will be continued discussion on that. The girls will get ready for school, go see their new sister and then go to school.

Sounds like we will go from one hospital to the next, one town to the next today!