dammmmmmmmn

here i was so sure that nothing would change….a friend is a friend. and suddenly that is all in question.
we have a brunch date with the new couple on Sunday, and so when K called to invite us, we talked a little….she thanked me for being gentle with D when she told me about them. My response was pretty much “what did you expect me to do”. and then in a joking manner, i said something about needing to give D some crap about worrying about it. K warned me to go gentle because D is in a very vulnerable place. and of course i said, well sure that was rather obvious, this level of vulnerability is new for D.
I got off the phone and realized i was ANGRY. How dare K, who has only known D for a short time, but been intimate with her, tell me to be careful of her feelings…as if I wouldn’t be. Yes, it was sweet that she was protective of her new lady love. But don’t forget that she is my friend and has been for a long time.

So now here i sit….wondering if i have to be someone different now, with one of the few people in the world I am comfortable being anywhere near vulnerable.

Going back to the old walking on eggs everywhere i walk.

im not sure i can handle this…..

it has been a couple of weeks of ups and downs, too many downs and too few ups, in reality.
We just found out that N has a degenerative bone problem in both of her feet. One that could possibly limit her mobility in the long run, as well as the immediacy. Her mental state is fragile. she is questioning everything, including life.
The other day, after the doc passed on that jewel, i tried to think of ways to keep her mind off of the loss and the extraordinary pain. My first thought was to have her sit in the sun, bake some of the ache out in the first beautiful day. And then that thought was shot down because of the acknowledgement that she cant do sun anymore….the meds and skin cancer are an issue.

its been kind of hard to be of any support, because right now my insides are a bit shattered. my middle child has once again slashed out and attempted to cut my heart into ribbons. I finally had to stop allowing her to vent her nastiness on me. But as much as i know it was something i had to do, i still grieve the loss of my child, my only daughter. I know it is a mental health issue, but it does not make it any less painful to cut off contact. It also cuts me off from grandchildren who i adore. But that was how ske was able to control the situation so easily, and so. Maybe if she does not have me to attack, she will finally be able to see herself and get some help. If not, she is in deep trouble.

The positive thing was a coffee date with my best friend. I needed to get out of the house, out of my chair for some reason other than doctor or groceries. After we traded updates, she shared something special with me. She is in love. I thot i would fall off the chair. This is the friend who is self titled “the happiest single person on the planet”. The bigger surprise was who she was in love with…..a mutual friend. This is going to bear watching…..They are 2 of the most intelligent people i know, and they have the same kinds of interests, politics, food, travel. They are also very, very different in personality traits. The “i’m so glad i’m not married” friend when asked by her new lady love about marriage, suggested barbed wire, but then admits that she can’t say no to her. OMG she is in love.
It is so great to see, but its going to take some getting used to ☺

so, just another day in the life. There are so many other little things, and then of course there are all the big things….like employment or lack there of, car is about to fall apart, house is a shambles, all of the little things that are falling apart, a whole world of yard work that needs to be done…and on and on and on it goes.

and whether or not i THINK i can handle it, i will. I always do. but it would be nice to have life cut me a break every once in a while.

alphabet meme

snagged from Maria

A.

Age:
54

Annoyance:
stupid people trying to make themselves look brighter by using big words.

Allergic:
Something in the air that has yet to be determined

Animal:
i have grown accustomed to having a dog in the house.

Actor:
um, im not that into actors/actresses. Lindsey Wagner I suppose.

B

Beer:
I drink beer once in a great while. Has to be hotter than the hubs of hades, the beer has to be wicked cold, and i would prefer to have tap beer from a slightly dirty line. Consumed with hotdogs and fritos completes the appropriate taste combinations.

Best Friend:
Donna. Brilliant, rules and regs kind of girl, plays politics like they were a chess game. Principled, funny, salt of the earth. Real. Friend.

Best feeling in the world:
Outside at daybreak, cool, crisp, life waking up all around you. or twilight growing into night, the moon bright, the stars twinkling, cool, crisp.

Best weather
Sweatshirt weather in fall, crunching through dried leaves.

Been in love?
yes

Been bitched out?
yes, but not often

Been on stage?
Yes, a couple of times. Not to act, but to speak or sing.

Believe in life on other planets?
I surely hope so.

Believe in miracles?
There is only one miracle. the miracle of life.

Believe in magic?
yes, yes, yes. there is magic all around us.

Believe in God?
i believe in a supreme spark of life, not a guiding force, not a man, not a human with special powers, not the entity that one would pray to.

Believe in Satan?
Satan, IMHO is just as much a human construct as God is. The embodiment of evil to balance the embodiment of good.

Believe in ghosts?
Not sure. Have never met one. Can’t disbelieve

C

Car:
Bane of my existence. Means of transportation. Vital, but something that can totally upset my applecart when it does not work properly. A necessary evil. Equates with freedom…the ability to go somewhere when i want or need to (whether i do or not)

Candy:
CHOCOLATE. First dark, then semi-sweet.

Color:
deep jewel tones. purple, turquoise, sapphire, ruby

Cried in school?
sure i probably did. nothing that holds my memory.

Chinese or Mexican food?
Yes, either one, well made

Cake or pie?
Fresh fruit pie, cream pie or chocolate cake.

Countries to visit:
Australia, Ireland, England, Paris, Italy.

D

Day or night?
Night first. twilight/daybreak second. there is something so essential at those times.

Dream vehicle:
1968 Mustang, ragtop, candy-apple red. And for real life, a Mini-Van or low center of gravity SUV with hauling power

Dance in the rain?
yes. most awesome feeling in the world.

Dance in the middle of the street?
Sure. Pride marches lend themselves to that kind of thing

E

Eggs?
Yes, scrambled with cheese. salsa on the side. And a side of crisp bacon. And hash browns. Crunchy on the outside and tender on the inside. or over easy to make a homemade mc muffin, and hashbrowns on the side.

Eyes:
Two. Grey.

Ever failed a class?
Chemistry in High School. The teacher was ticked off that i was leading his prize student down the rosy trail.

F

First crush:
camp counselor

First thought waking up:
Ok, what time is it? Ugh, get up body.

Food:
LOVE IT. Making it, eating it, reading about it, talking about it, planning it…..

G

Greatest fear:
being homeless

Gum
I don’t chew gum.

Get along with parents?
Father – no, but he is dead, it no longer matters. Mother – most of the time. Her heart is in the right place, but her actions often conflict with that

Good luck charms:
never really had any. talismans to me are about connecting to something/someone

H

Hair color:
blonde as a tyke, light brown after that. now mousey with lashings of grey. Sometimes i color it, usually in the auburns.

Height:
5’ 9 3/4“

Happy?
I have moments.

Holidays?
don’t really mean much to me. they are days off when I am working. If they are important to someone I care about, I can celebrate them in the best traditions. But I can miss them completely too and not really care.

Health freak?
Not so much. Tho I know more than my share (have been accused of being a nurse by medical professionals)

In (guys/girls)

Eye color?
doesn’t so much matter, as long as there is something behind them. I am drawn to dark, deep eyes quite often

Hair color?
dark and curly

Height?
tall is nice, short is ok.

Clothing style?
comfortable, classic

Characteristics
bright, caring

I

Ice cream:
good vanilla custard. mint chocolate chip. cookie dough.

Instrument
mac computer

J

Jewelry
so varied. I like jewelry, gold, silver, gems, beads, sparkly, almost anything. would love to learn to do silver work.

Job:
Someday, when i figure out what I want to do when I grow up, and find something that will allow me to use the skills i have, I will have an answer to that. For now, i seem to be relegated to taking what is available, until i cant take it anymore.

K

Kids
I adore little people.

Keep a journal?
My blog is my journal.

L

Longest car ride?
Milwaukee, Wisconsin to Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.

Love:
Means different things to different people. Make sure to define it.

Laughed so hard you cried:
Many times.

Love at first sight?
I suppose it is possible. But, I think it probably is more like attraction at first sight.

M

Milk flavor:
Plain old white milk.

Movie:
Musicals

Mooned anyone?
nope. not into exposing myself

Marriage?
btdt. not legal for me now.

Motion sickness?
never had that problem

N

Number of siblings:
1 sister. 0 brothers.

Number of piercings:
3 on each ear, and one elsewhere that is now grown closed

Number
8 (and 3, and 5, which make
O

Overused phrases:
OMG

One wish
right now just one wont cut it. I need good rest, health and then a job.

One phobia
stingy thingys

P

Place you’d like to live
Seattle or Vermont, maybe Oregon. I MUST have 4 seasons to survive

Pepsi or coke?
I am a Diet Dr. Pepper girl through and through!

Q

Quail?
potatoe

R

Reason to cry:
I seldom cry, most often tear jerker commercials or sappy movies will make me tear up.

Reality tv?
sometimes. but rarely capture my undivided attention anymore.

Radio station:
Oldies (so i can sing along)

Roll your tongue in a circle
Why? (yes, I can, but unless i am playing with a little one, there is no reason to have this great skill)

S

Song?
I adore music. almost every kind of music. but if forced to pick one that i could listen to forever:
Pachelbel’s Canon in D

Sushi?
No. i have tried it, I dont like rice with vinegar, i dont like raw fish, and seaweed is NOT good to eat.

Skipped school?
Sigh. Never once. The raciest thing i ever did in school was to go off campus for lunch one day when i didnt have prior parental permission. I was sooooo square.

Slept outside?
many, many times. In my younger days I was a damned good camper (taught camp skills as a trainer, went primitive camping). These days, i prefer my creature comforts.

Seen a dead body?
yes

Skinny dipped?
nope

Shower daily?
In the summer, usually. In the winter, if i shower more than every other day, my skin would be one giant flake.

Sing well?
Dont know, dont care. I sing from the heart. (most people seem to enjoy it)

Sing in the shower?
Nope….but i think there.

Swear?
More often than i should

Strawberries or blueberries?
Blueberries, black berries, raspberries, then strawberries

Scientists need to invent
a cure for greed.

T

Time for bed:
when i get tired and cant keep my eyes open.

Thunderstorms?
Mother Nature’s greatest show. I adore thunderstorms

U

Unpredictable?
Not often. Relatively consistent

Under the influence:
It has been a loooooooooog time.

V

Vegetable you hate:
sauerkraut or anything pickled.        

Vegetable you love
most all of them.

Vacation spot:
Don’t have one anymore. Parents sold the condo in Door County.

W

Weakness:
self pity

Which one of your friends acts the most like you?
havent had a friend who acted like me since grade shcool. I cherish my friends for their differences.

Who makes you laugh the most?
kayliebug

Worst feeling:
fear

Wanted to be a model?
goddess no. I worked with them and that was more than enuf.

Where do we go when we die?
When someone reports back, we will all know.

Worst weather:
double digit, sub-zero wind chills or damp, cold wet.

Walk with a book on your head?
as a kid, of course. but my head is too odd shaped to make it work right.

X

x-rays?
Not that many in the scheme of things

Y

Yellow
Sunshine

Z

Zoo animals.
sad because they are in cages

Zodiac sign?
fish.

So, now you know way too much about me. Share these odd and unique things if you dare

sick of being sick

I finally finished the big book I was doing, and after the first proofing, my body did the post-apocalyptic collapse thing. In other words work myself into oblivion/exhaustion and then catch whatever bug that is floating around and have it take over.

after 3 solid days of exhaustion, sneezing, coughing, sleeping, blowing my nose, aching, dozing, I am banishing the bug.

Went to get a haircut today and had my long time stylist tell me that my skin and scalp are a mess. Stress its a wonderful thing.
I have a pricy tube of lotion and directions to find some equally pricy crystals to put into my scalp…to allow my skin/scalp to calm down (neutralize). OK…now if i can just find something that will do that for the rest of my life. oh well. my haircut is styled after this photo of Victoria Beckham.

I am significanlty grayer, older, fatter and less made up than she is, but I liked the pixy top with the longer back. NOT a mullet

We are due for a spring snowstorm tomorrow….cold, snowing, blowing. Spring….BAH HUMBUG!

MEME Time

Stolen from http://pixieflute.blogspot.com/ Five names you go by: 1. Cris 2. Cristie (to my mom mostly) 3. Crissy (to verrrrrry few) 4. Mom 5. Gramma/Mams Three things you are wearing right now: 1. Fuzzy grey sox 2. Navy hoodie 3. sweat pants Three things you want very badly at the moment: 1. To get the communicator job 2. get rid of this cold that has been hanging on for weeks but finally blossomed yesterday 3. get the bike in working order so I can start riding again Two people who will probably fill this out: Whomever feels like it Two things you did last night: 1. sneezed and coughed 2. slept fitfully Two things you ate today: 1. haven’t had breakfast yet 2. Diet Dr Pepper Two people you last talked to on the phone: 1. granddaughter Ry 2. my mother Two things you are doing tomorrow: 1. house cleaning which has been ignored while i worked on the big project 2. power cooking, time to progress beyond peanut butter sandwiches (my default when i’m sick Two longest car rides: 1. Fond Du Lac, WI to Sarasota, Fl 2. Nelson, NZ to ChristChurch, NZ Two of your favorite beverages: 1. Diet Dr. Pepper 2. Coffee

depression

there are financial depressions, and geographic depressions, and meteorological depressions.
I went looking on google images for something visual that might fit my mood. I found lots of different kinds of depressions. There are many variations of mental depression as well, bi-polar, dysthysmic, atypical, premenstrual, seasonal, major, minor, situational, clinical, and on, and on, and on.
But i think its time for me to admit that i am fighting depression.
the photo I finally found fits quite well.

crock-pot dating

like carbon dating, not social dating.
Interesting concept. I was just reading on Average Jane’s blog.
When I was getting my own small kitchen appliances, i had a west Bend crock (non crockery on a heating plate base) and a 6 quart electric pot. It would be a few more years before I got my first crock pot, a light blue one, that didn’t have a removable crock. it was a pain to clean, and I did not find it very useful.
20 years later, and I have 3 crockpots. One is a small red one, one a large green one, and one a shiny chrome one (with electronic heat sensors and a cover lock for traveling)
.
It took me years to figure out how to make one work, and now that I have, I love my crockpots. But then, as I have said, I am a kitchen gadget whore. some day, i will attempt to list them…if not for you…all of my multiplicities of readers, then for myself!

dominos

I have been saying for, oh, 10 years or so, that the inflation of everything was going to have to come to its end, and then come crashing down. People laughed at me. Now thanks to too many years of George Bush, it is here…the crash has begun. The house of cards is crumbling.

Daily thousands of jobs are being eliminated, and the domino effect is making it worse as it goes along…its picking up steam, and it will be interesting to see how many of us will be steamrollered. People lose jobs, then homes, and then what next?

Am I worried? Of course. With no jobs, minimal income assistance, no health insurance, I am particularly at risk. But the “panic” reaction that I would expect myself to be having is rather distanced.

Life is comparative. I am rambling.

trying to get outside of myself

It has been/will be a busy week. Monday at the hospital/tx clinic. Tuesday meet with the old boss, Wednesday meet with the editor of the mag we will be freelancing with, Thursday, an old friend to visit, Saturday a grandbaby overnight.

so why do i feel so isolated? why do i feel so tired, unmotivated, unenergetic, blue. I can veg on the computer all day. Online classes, building a family tree, playing games, reading blogs. It could be a full time occupation. But its still isolating. Even when I have the opportunity (games with chat, facebook, adium) i rarely interact with humans. I am isolating myself. I don’t want to talk on the phone…infact I actively avoid it. I set myself on invisible on most of the chat things i am connected to. I feel like i don’t have much to say (or that what i do have to say is pretty much johnny one note stuff).

mostly i am tired. I can pull it together to look engaged when i am called on to do so, but the motivation to crawl out of my shell is difficult to find. i don’t have a lot to offer at the moment (if ever).

maybe i will try the meme that is going around….see if i can find 25 interesting things about myself.

hot water

I have learned that without a functioning hot water heater, I can still cook (and the dishwasher heats its own water).
But the idea of a shower, or bath, boiling pots of water and hauling them through the house, does not work for me.

Sometime on Saturday, the water heater stopped providing hot water, its one and only task in this world.

I managed to cook our meals as well as prepare a feast of goodies for SuperBowl Sunday! It was a bit difficult, but kettles of water to boil took care of the most obnoxious of the kitchen issues, and the dishwasher the rest.

Myself, not so easy. I think I feel dirtier than I really am.

In approximately 30 minutes….the time it will take for the tank of hot water to heat in the newly installed hot water heater, I will be able to stand under the pouring hot water, and come out feeling clean.