I can be moving through my days simply and smoothly, and something jumps out and bites me….reminding me.

Today I read on Maria’s blog, her story about anger that lasts after a dream….it made me laugh and then cry.  There is nothing like having anger directed at you when someone dreamed you did something they did not like. We finally had to make a rule that said you can never get upset with someone because of what they did in your dream.  But now that she is gone….I can almost miss that….why’s that?  humans are weird.

Then I moved down in the blog to listen to some Mary Chapin Carpenter.  It reminded me that a very special woman brought MCC into my world.  For a moment I was reminded of what i believed was the unconditional love from her.  I do indeed miss that.

What will my future bring….what gifts will come to me, from what source.

I don’t know. Right now I have to figure out how to pay my bills. Guess its time to get on the stick and get myself a job.  I think that 9 months should be long enough to have gotten my shit together….rebuilt myself from all of the exhaustion, healed from all of the damage, and begun the grieving process.  which means “put on the big girl panties” and do something with my life.

sigh….why does it feel so….insurmountable.

I have always been the caretaker…i am good at it….but is there ever going to be someone who will take care of me?

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.”

John O’Donohue

This has been a pretty shitty year for me. I don’t even remember new years eve last year….I am guessing it was pretty generic.

The year began with the usual rounds of doctor’s appointments.  Surgery was a known….wanting to get it over fast was the plan…but that was not to be….we had to wait till the second week of February.

I have the whole step by step of the next three months in another journal. Can’t bear to relive it right now. Just thinking about it this deep brings tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart so deep….It is something I hope no one i care about ever has to endure.

To have 3 people you care deeply about actively dying at the same time is hell.

To have to go through the nightmare of not knowing, trying to keep the focus positive, weathering the battle of mental unbalance that comes with failing health, the constant barrage of the medical treatment, the pleading of someone you love to fix it, make it better, the violence of mental confusion, the loss of hope, the loss of dreams, the loss of plans, the loss of friendship, the loss of companionship, the loss of trust, the loss…..of what was once familiar. I do not think i would wish that on anyone.

I have been screamed at, threatened, accused, slapped in the face. I have been begged to stop treatment in one breath, and pleaded with to help make it easier. I have been argued with, accused of lying, challenged about everything, from the time of day, to the name of the food on the plate. I have been talked sheer nonsense to, and then demanded an answer of to a question that didn’t exist. I have been called names and accused of torture. I have had to make decisions that were questioned as sanity ebbed and flowed, I have been told i had no right, when that had been given long before.

And yet, I have been given a birthday party from an ICU, and asked to stay the night in the hospital room because i made it “safe”

I lost a partner, a father-in-law, friends (to death and to ending in other ways). I lost a very special person who just could not understand that grief takes its own time, and that I had way more healing to do than any one person ever was allowed to see (outside of myself).

I have given up my home….not completely, but enough that it does not feel like mine.

I have no place in the world….no reason for being.  I have a few friends left, but for the most part they have their own lives (and if i am not available when they have time….)  I have no function in the world right now. I was a primary caretaker for so long…..I have to find a job, and am horrified about that….my skills are out of date, my resume a mess and the job market … well lets just say that my ability to get a job that would make it worth my time to drive to it and the gas to get there is slim to none.

I can not say that there has been no good about this year….

I have grown deeper involved in the threshold singing group, and found deep and close friendships through that group.  I have opened my house to my eldest child and his family as they work to try and rebuild their family (this means 3 little girls really run my household) and I have the love and support that comes from that family.  I have a precious little granddaughter once a week who supplies me with the best love her little 19 month old body can. I do have some positives in my life.

So I end this year….gladly. I end this year hoping I can shed some of the pain….and begin to move on in my life.  I end this year.

See you next year!

Much of that came after I had to regear and split my holidays, and I’m sure in some ways i felt i had to compete with their father….his was bigger, better, more than i could ever do, and he could afford to have everyone there with enough room to function.

I rarely really enjoyed the holidays…the stress was immense, I always missed the mark somewhere…got the wrong toy, something was not the right color, what ever. I could never get the whole meal done early enough, or late enough or people got there late (and the whole thing was planned for just the right time) and by the time it was ready to eat, i was both exhausted and just not hungry.

but still i tried, again and again….never pleasing them all….hell i probably did not please any of them. surely did not please myself…i was exhausted and empty.  

the biggest joy for me was the hour or so of soft quiet time when the dishes were finished, the people were gone (or gone to bed) and the lights were turned low, the music soft, sipping something sweet and rich. 

leftovers were great….better than the meal itself. the gifts were put away, some used, some filed in some far away place. decorations lingered, the time it took to get it all set up was too much to pull them down after just a few days.

but it was never good enough. for who? i guess for me. 

we talked about going away for the holidays. i could never wrap my head around it…..the kids, the grands (my excuse)….all my traditions. 

Bah….the youngest has his relationship with his father.  The eldest has his own family, and the middle child disowned me.  so much for family.  the traditions do not mean anything when there is no one to enjoy them.

this year i broke all of the traditions. no decorations, no gifts, no meal. no frantic, no trying to please, no expectations of me or others. it did not really feel like christmas…but it did not feel like trying so hard to make something that i guess no one ever really appreciated either.

I think it became ok to do it because N was not here. She was the one, finally, that i tried to make it special for. she was the one who might actually have appreciated some of it. 

We didn’t care, we loved that house
It was the place we would grow old.
I saw my whole life in those rooms
Just big enough to hold my dreams
Just small enough to face the truth
Perfection’s never what it seems

i really have lost so much. I lost a partner, a friend, a co-conspritior. But I also lost a way of life, a way of thinking.

adding the children into the house, i have lost so much more (but gained the love).  I have little to nothing that is familiar.

I am a creature of habit, i am into making my traditions and surrounding myself with my familiar things and creature comforts.

My things are being used and not the way i use them. I don’t know if i will ever get to use them again…or ever have reason to use them my way.

I did not sign up for this. it was not my choice. but still I am stuck with it. (not the kids moving in….but the other realities)

that is christmas this year.