what a difference a day makes

NOT
My days may seem simple to most.
i look at the schedule for the day.
Schedules are simple.
There are days with doctors appointments, there are days with clinic visits for blood draws. There are the unplanned visits to the clinic for blood draws or new issues.
There is grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, dispensing medications.
There should be more laundry, but my knees protest, so that happens less often than it should.
There are lots of things that should be done that aren’t. I am not a big yard work person, never have been. We do not have the money for any of the repairs that need to be done that I could try, but would not be professional enough in the long run.
I could clean out the basement and/or the garage. I have been working on the switch of the winter to summer wardrobes.

But most of my time is spent listening. Listening to her writing and crying out in pain, knowing I have done everything I can to help her, and pushed the medical communities to do their best. Listening to her call out for something. Listening for the sound of her falling. Listening to a television, a computer, an audiobook on ipod, the music on my itunes.

It is all the listening that has me exhausted.
The only thing i don’t hear is the sound of others. In the beginning, there were emails, replies to the care-page, cards, phone calls.
Now there is silence. I know that is partially my fault. I don’t ask for help. I try…..but the words dry up in my mouth. There are people in my life that remind me that you don’t get help unless you ask for it…..but I have great difficulty even accepting something I haven’t asked for…. Stupid, yes. But stupidity born of experience. Too many times people have offered, or I have asked and i counted on them to keep their word. Fatal mistake (well no one died, except for my trust).

But that is what my days look like. and my nights too.

I should be doing more towards getting gainful employment, but I have no idea what would happen if i did. Who would listen? Who would know how far to go in the balance of allowing independence and providing support. Who would care. and then of course there is the crappy economy and the fact that my unemployment is more than I could probably get from an employer, and the likelihood of getting a job I could live with is the final stone.

Usually writing down this kind of thing helps me clarify and see an answer. Maybe there is no answer?

~ by Cris on June 4, 2009.