mothers day

its taken me a few days to even write this.

This year, mother’s day was awful for me, but maybe it is the beginning of a new stage in my life.

From the earliest age i can remember, I wanted children. I went through stages. As a kid i wanted 6, and then i thought about twelve (what an innocent i was as a young teen). As I got older and realized more about the world i lived in, I knew i would still have children, but figured I would let mother nature have some say in it, and just go with the flow.

As life would have it, I had my first child a month and a half before I turned 19. I was thrilled, even considering the downsides of my unmarried situation. I was going to have a child. I was sure it was going to be a little girl. I was going to have this child no matter what. Well i was foolish enough to agree to marry the father. I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy (9lb, 10oz), two weeks late and with a very short labor. I had been so sure that my child was a girl that in the delivery room, i made them prove it by dropping the blanket. I wasn’t checking for fingers and toes. He was a great baby, slept early, happy child, met all of the benchmarks ahead of schedule..
His father, on the other hand, was not meeting any expectations. He was an alcoholic and abusive. That didn’t last long before he went home for his mom to baby.

We were on our own for about 4 years. I met someone and he wanted to be a parent to my son, and wanted more kids. Worked for me. I got pregnant 2 months after the wedding. This time around, i was not going to hope for a particular gender, just a healthy child. This time I got my dream, my baby girl. I was content. I was even ready to give up the concept of a huge family, and stick with one of each and call it a day. That was not to be, thanks to a new year’s eve party, and a pill pack waiting on the night table. 9 months and 3 weeks after my daughter was born, my youngest made his appearance. 5 weeks early, with a full head of deep red hair, my little shocker was the last of my children. Unfortunately it took me a bit longer to realize that daddy was an alcoholic and didn’t want to quit.

I raised my tribe as a single parent for many years. We lived very close to the edge for much of their youth. But I was determined that there would be 3 guiding forces in their lives, unconditional love, well defined concepts of right and wrong, and the example of a parent who stood up for her beliefs. The one thing i vowed not to make them feel was any responsibility for my life, and I refused to put them into the relationship with their father and I.

Well here we are. The eldest is 35, the youngest will be 30 this year. Grandchildren range from 16 to 1 yo and there are 14 of them. (the non biological grandchildren range in age from 18 to 5 and they are included in the total of 13). The children have all had multiple relationships with little to no success.

The eldest is closer these days, his need for a babysitter is greatest. The youngest moved far away and is now back, and hopefully choosing a path that will bring him great successes, and my daughter has cut all ties with me.

My mother’s day consisted of 2 phone calls from non-biological children, one text message, one phone message and a couple of outgoing calls to appropriate mothers. And not much else.

I always wanted them to not feel any obligation, but i never expected they would not really care.

~ by Cris on May 12, 2009.