im not sure i can handle this…..

it has been a couple of weeks of ups and downs, too many downs and too few ups, in reality.
We just found out that N has a degenerative bone problem in both of her feet. One that could possibly limit her mobility in the long run, as well as the immediacy. Her mental state is fragile. she is questioning everything, including life.
The other day, after the doc passed on that jewel, i tried to think of ways to keep her mind off of the loss and the extraordinary pain. My first thought was to have her sit in the sun, bake some of the ache out in the first beautiful day. And then that thought was shot down because of the acknowledgement that she cant do sun anymore….the meds and skin cancer are an issue.

its been kind of hard to be of any support, because right now my insides are a bit shattered. my middle child has once again slashed out and attempted to cut my heart into ribbons. I finally had to stop allowing her to vent her nastiness on me. But as much as i know it was something i had to do, i still grieve the loss of my child, my only daughter. I know it is a mental health issue, but it does not make it any less painful to cut off contact. It also cuts me off from grandchildren who i adore. But that was how ske was able to control the situation so easily, and so. Maybe if she does not have me to attack, she will finally be able to see herself and get some help. If not, she is in deep trouble.

The positive thing was a coffee date with my best friend. I needed to get out of the house, out of my chair for some reason other than doctor or groceries. After we traded updates, she shared something special with me. She is in love. I thot i would fall off the chair. This is the friend who is self titled “the happiest single person on the planet”. The bigger surprise was who she was in love with…..a mutual friend. This is going to bear watching…..They are 2 of the most intelligent people i know, and they have the same kinds of interests, politics, food, travel. They are also very, very different in personality traits. The “i’m so glad i’m not married” friend when asked by her new lady love about marriage, suggested barbed wire, but then admits that she can’t say no to her. OMG she is in love.
It is so great to see, but its going to take some getting used to ☺

so, just another day in the life. There are so many other little things, and then of course there are all the big things….like employment or lack there of, car is about to fall apart, house is a shambles, all of the little things that are falling apart, a whole world of yard work that needs to be done…and on and on and on it goes.

and whether or not i THINK i can handle it, i will. I always do. but it would be nice to have life cut me a break every once in a while.

~ by Cris on April 25, 2009.