Autumn Realities

Autumn, or fall as I grew up calling it, is upon us…and today it is in its glory. 

The sun is shining, the air is warming, the leaves are brilliant and crunchy under foot.

My life is in chaos. Heath issues of people I love are primary right now…its terrifying how little I can do.

Once upon a time in my life, I believed I could help…now, more often, I feel helpless.

There really is nothing I can do.

I have been feeling ….uncomfortable, ill at ease, out of sorts. All of the uncertainty is taking a physical toll, and I am not finding ways to take the edge off….to “self-comfort”. 

But…the reality is…my knee hurts, and will continue to hurt…until I find a way to get it fixed. That hangs in the balance of the job situation (and therefore the insurance situation). The reality is I can apply for jobs but I have no control over who will hire me or how long they will take in their deliberations.

So this morning, instead of the endless trolling jobsites for places that might have jobs that I am qualified for, might have jobs I have documentable skills for, might have jobs I would possibly like to do….this morning I did something else.

I listened to music…I played with my iTunes, made up some new playlists, downloaded a couple of new songs (Josh Groban has a voice that soothes from deep inside), listened to songs that made me remember good things, made me smile, made me cry, made me sing. Old songs, new songs, silly songs, holiday songs, love songs, anthems….

I am not really focused enough to meditate, quieting my mind never seems possible. Classic and even new age religions hold bits of things that resonate for me, but nothing that is “enough” to really move me. BUT give me a beautiful autumn day, and some music, and ……….somehow, for the moment, the day does not seem quite so bad.

~ by Cris on October 17, 2007.